All the secrets, revealed!

I have been holding out on everyone.  Here is the perfect diet and exercise program for all of us.

All this emphasis on whole foods, water, and vegetables is killing us.  What we really need to be eating is processed food because how else are we going to live forever?  We need all those preservatives!  And we don’t want our bodies to have to do all the work of breaking down whole grains when we have the food industrial complex to do it for us.  Organics are also highly overrated—I personally don’t want to be infested with pests, so bring on the chemical pesticides.

As far as exercise is concerned, what we really need to do is limit it as much as possible.  What makes us tired?  Working out, that’s what!  If we want to feel younger and more energetic, we need to lie on the couch all day watching cartoons like we did when we were kids on Saturday mornings.  Have we ever felt better?  I don’t think so.  What more evidence do we need?

Oh, maybe walk to the calendar and check the date.